Various Artists: Woodstock '99

Disappointed because you missed the bad vibes, hollow commercialism, lumbering metal monotony, and rampant sexual assault of 1999's incarnation of Woodstock Well, you can feel like you've experienced all four by taking in Woodstock '99, a two-disc cash-in-of-a-cash-in featuring such all-time rock 'n' roll legends as Lit, Creed, Godsmack, and Our Lady Peace. There's nothing wrong with serving up a wide variety of music on a single compilation, but it's hard to imagine anyone enjoying Woodstock '99 in anywhere near its entirety. The first disc is more Ozzfest than Woodstock, with Korn, Buckcherry, Kid Rock, Sevendust, and many more whipping up a meatheadedly hedonistic frenzy; it's not aided by the fact that, like disc two, most of it consists of note-for-note, studio-quality recreations of well-known singles. Creed at least tries to acknowledge tradition by propping up The Doors' Robby Krieger to join in on "Roadhouse Blues," but the music itself is a depressing drag. The second disc is virtually guaranteed to alienate anyone who tuned in for the first (and vice versa), with such oatmeal purveyors as Dave Matthews Band, Jewel, Rusted Root, and Bruce Hornsby doing their polished, monumentally uninspired thing. One song by The Roots and solid but familiar fare by Elvis Costello, Sheryl Crow, and G. Love & Special Sauce can't come close to overcoming the album's slick, perfunctory, irrelevant remainder. Strangely appropriate as a commentary-free companion to an ugly and embarrassing spectacle, Woodstock '99 is, if nothing else, the album this year's attendees deserve.