The Worst Band Names Of '07

Each year, The A.V. Club receives hundreds of albums, thousands of press releases, and several thousand more show listings for hundreds of venues around the country. At any given moment, our editors are besieged by information on bands, most of which we've never heard of. Sifting through all that info, we inevitably encounter questionable band names. Actually, you could argue any moniker is questionable, but here, we're talking about the really bad ones, and others that are at least kind of funny or otherwise charming. We write them down on an ever-expanding list over the course of the year, then present them in our annual Worst Band Names feature. This list isn't a compendium of the worst names of all time, just the ones we encountered this year. Are you ready to rock

Just plain bad

The Color Fred

Job For A Cowboy

Da Bears

From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.

Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band

Mental Afro

"FunkHopRock 4 the Soul"

Shout Out Out Out Out

Dyslexic Speedreaders

"What happens when 2 Hollywood rappers team up with a cracker from Oakland" Don't ask.

The Asbestos Tampons

Among their MySpace friends: Tasty Twat Records

Malice In Wonderland

I Sank Molly Brown

Poetic Justice League 4 America

The Hobbits Of The Shire

Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz

Kidz In The Hall

Poets & Pornstars

Animals

Pistol Whipping Party Penguins

SuperHeavyGoatAss

Baboon Torture Division

Their site proudly boasts that it ranks "1 for Baboon Torture Porn on Google."

Those Fucking Unicorns

Unicorn Dream Attack

Sex Rat

Penguins With Shotguns

Tigers Can Bite You

Abbreviation: TCBY.

Anatomy

Butt Stomach

Their MySpace page looks like it was designed by Homer Simpson.

Electric Vagina

Never mind the goofy name. "Electric Vagina is committed to grassroots marketing and building a fan base one person at a time," vows their bio.

Ballcock Assembly

Abortion

Gay Witch Abortion

Comanche Abortion

Related:

Gay Baby

Headline on MySpace blog: "GAY BABY BUYING A TITAN 1 MISSILE BASE TO SURVIVE THE COMING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE."

Related:

Dance Me Pregnant

Let's French

Whore Du Jour

They apparently took their name from an Imperial Teen song.

Roger's Porn Collection

Rape

The Rape Ape

Statutory Grape

Raperies (Like Draperies)

Their entirety of their bio: "I'm putting the pieces together. I'm starting to add the dialogue. The storyboard is starting to take shape. And this can't end well. It just can't."

Proper Name/Title Combinations

The House That Gloria Vanderbilt

Lists "Baby Jesus" as an influence, and says they sound like "a snapping pussy." Their bio boldly proclaims, "the faggot has risen……fighting for the power of the queef…help us harness the escape of air from vaginas around the world……join the cult.be somebody."

Neil Diamond Phillips

"Part Neil Diamond, Part Lou Diamond Phillips, 100% Rock!" Sadly, the band doesn't sound like Lou Diamond Phillips singing Neil Diamond songs.

Harmonica Lewinsky

Does it make it better or worse that they're a Scottish blues band

Goodbye Girl Friday

Chevy Metal

From their bio: "Basically, the idea behind Chevy Metal is that they play rock songs from the 70's, DIRT ROCK, as they say. Music that a meth dealer from 1973 would have listened to."

Funk

Generally speaking, it's a bad idea to state a genre classification in your name, but funk (and ska) bands have a compulsion to do so. The results are always terrible.

Phunk And Associates

This "down 'n dirty partylicious funkstation" briefly disbanded when a founding member left for school, but they decided to keep going, as "the phunk never leaves you."

Dumpstapunk

Officially known as "Ivan Neville's Dumpstaphunk." Its website proudly states that its message board is "now %100 pornography free!"

Felonious Funk

You'd think a dot-com URL would be one of the perks of calling your band "Felonious Funk," but no, this Massachusetts band had to settle for a .net. (Someone's sitting on feloniousfunk.com.) Rest assured, though, their style—"smooth Jazz and Latin grooves to today's dance hits and all your Motown favorites"—are "perfect for any wedding, corporate or social event."

Hellz Funk

Fans of this Chicago funk-metal act needn't worry: Hellz Funk's second album, Corpse Flower, will be out soon, and it's "groovier, heavier, all together tighter than [first album] Damnitol and will be ready to bite off your genitals and French kiss em' in your mouth next year. Stay greasy Funkwads."

Hubble Funk-o-Scope

Clusterfunk

"Purveyors Of Soulful Groove"

United We Funk

Sadly, not a patriotic funk band that plays covers of stuff like Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A."

Dysfunkshun Junkshun

Their URL Funkparty.com. Their sound "has made them a favorite for Private Events hosted by A-List Celebrities, Dignitaries, Fortune 500 Companies, Weddings, and top clubs in the US."

Funkface

Album: Your Politics Suck, on Buddha Bug Records.

Nu Funk Mafia

During the band's "flirtatiously spontaneous stage show," their "antics are only upstaged by unmistakable musicianship and songwriting skills."

420 Funk Mob

How can you make a band name with "funk" in it worse Why, incorporate a pot reference, of course. This band of "funketeers" could only top that by adding a wang reference. Maybe 420 Funk Knob Mob 420 Funk Mob Knob Slobs Quick, residents of Colorado and Vermont, figure this out for us.

The Demon Funkies

They promise "the energy of Angus Young and confidence of James Brown" with music that has an "uncanny ability to draw people out of ordinary reality." They recently played the Funk Ball, not to be confused with Funkball®, New Zealand's felted wool ball that "adds value to your life as useful fun."

Related: Genre in name

RapScallions

Some jams featured on Live From Yucca Muthafucka: "Booze Rap," "Dayz Like Theze." Don't let their partying distract you, though, their serious goal: "Rap Scallions came together to make an impact on the world of music."

Any Swing Goes

Don't worry that this big band "from the heart of London" will be too pricey: "We're a semi-professional outfit; most of play for the love of it, which means that booking us is remarkably affordable." Not with how the dollar's doing against the pound right now!

Punk As A Doornail

The guitarist uses a homemade guitar made from an old skateboard, which is pretty badass.

Also related: Names implying boogying, grooving, or other hippie shit

Groove Hawgs

17 Hippies

They're German, but that's no excuse.

Groovin' High

"What makes GROOVIN' HIGH the best Function Band in London" They'll be happy to tell you. See their complete list of clients.

Endless Boogie

Wishdoctor

"Watching Wish Doctor is just like watching a real concert," boasts their bio. Wow, it's like you're seeing a real band

Capitalist Hippie Complex

What's the recipe for the Capitalist Hippie Complex They'll tell you:

1.5 oz top shelf Funk

2.0 oz conscious Hip Hop

1.0 oz underground Jazz

Mix with anything

add High Energy Twist

Serve Chill as a Motha Fucka

Honeydew Revue

This Austin band wins for Best Opening Line Of A Band Bio: "34.7 hundred years ago, in the mountains of Echinacea, an elf gave birth to a baby elf."

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Simple, yet good (in a bad-good way)

Lesbian

Pudding

Earth

Hooray For Earth

HFE may have the least appealing band description ever: "Sort of like Enya and Nirvana breaking things at a video arcade in hell."

Earth Dies Screaming

Described as "8-bit music that would make your ears vomit." And they're looking to be signed!

Unfunny combos

General Patton & His Privates

Special Ed & The Shortbus

Rotel & The Hot Tomatoes

Celebrities

Robin Williams On Fire

Band members also play in the bands True Dot Com, Timothy Treadwell, Turd Sorcerer, Destroy Tokyo, and Cobra Bubbles.

Garrison Killer

Mel Gibson & The Pants

Ringo Starr

Ringo Deathstarr

Gringo Star

Using title to something else

The Graduate

I Walk The Line

The Wonder Years

Album: Get Stoked On It!

The View

They're from somewhere called Dryburgh in the UK, so they get a pass. But in the U.S., those words together mean "annoying talk show."

Movie references

Scotty Don't

Motto: "The Don't Does." Kinda like "The dude abides."

Stiffler's Mom

Now auditioning for a new singer!

Candygram For Mongo

Bio: "If Cheap Trick were moderating a debate between Social Distortion and the Dropkick Murphys over which was better: Internet vs. home video pornography - it would sound like Candygram For Mongo!"

Lazlo Hollyfeld

Into The Light Carol Anne

We're fucking HEAVY, bro

May This Day Perish

Can't remember singer Steven Buzzy's name Use his title: Vaginal Dominator.

Temple Of Brutality

Beneath The Massacre

Enjoy The Massacre

Desecrate The Hour

Cry Of The Afflicted

At The Throne Of Judgment

Bullet Called Life

Mankind Is Obsolete

Recently No. 1 on the Deutsch Alternative Charts!

The Liar Dies

With Blood Comes Cleansing

Fuck

Ima Fucking Gymnist

Sadly, they recently pussed out and changed it to "Ima Gymnist." Boo!

The Mister Fuckhead Ensemble

Big Fucking Thunder

Fucking Orange

Fuckwolf

Stay Fucked

Shit

Psychedelic Horseshit

They describe their sound as "trashcans fucking on cheap speed."

Cribshitter

Puke

Slut Barf

Clown Vomit

Vomit Bomb

Two bands share the name, one from Las Vegas, the other from Hollywood.

!!!!!

My! Gay! Husband!

Clap! Clap!

Sadly, they're breaking up.

Anatomy

Yak Ballz

The Red Muffs

Not only are TRM "notably popular with the UCSB and USC sorority/fraternity crowd," but "you can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone ridiculously hot" at their shows. Totally, bro.

Juzt Nutz

Album: Maximum Penetration

The Pussy Pirates

First line of bio: "FIRST OFF WE'RE AN IDEAS BAND. I THINK WE PROVED THAT WITH FUCK MOUNTAIN."

Les Breastfeeders

Steaming Wolf Penis

Monster Cock Rally

The Dick Panthers

Cocktards

Snatch Magnet

PussyFinger

First line of bio: "Pussyfinger is a propagandist statement about the shortcomings of humankind." Yes, obviously.

T.I.T.S.

Cock Rock For Cannibals

The Berg Sans Nipple

Emoooooo

Cross My Heart Hope To Die

Broke up this year, alas.

Secondhand Serenade

Gray Lines Of Perfection

I Would Set Myself On Fire For You

Another casualty: They broke up in July. No band can survive such a terrible name.

Loooong

The Pleasures Of Merely Circulating

Fixed Gears Are For Jerks And Lesbians

A Simpsons reference retooled for bike nerds. Parfait.

Happy Mothers Day, I Can't Read

Mostly Other People Do The Killing

If Your Hands Were Metal That Would Mean Something

We All Have Hooks For Hands

My Precious, Precious Gun

The Shark That Ate My Friend

Assemble Head In Sunburst Sound

Curse This Metal Body

It Shoulda Been Lars

France Has The Bomb

"Are you aware that the French (people who live in the country France) have the bomb We are, and we're not happy about it."

Secret Lives Of The Freemasons

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Wookies

Wookie Hangover

Songs include "MILF," "Slayer Song," and "The Beer Song."

Legowookie

Cutesy bullshit

Smile Brigade

My Hero Is Me

The Giggle Club

As seen in Little Miss Thang magazine!

Best Fwends

Although they describe their sound as "slightly better than terrible," they nevertheless won Vice Magazine's "worst album of the month." Then all their gear was stolen. And now they're on this list. They can't catch a break!

Sing It Loud

The Giving Tree Band

Ashley Said Yes

Puns/rhymes

Dear And The Headlights

One Small Step For Landmines

Visitor to their site can download four different ad banners to put on their MySpace pages. Hooray!

The Cornish Gay Men

Especially affected

Order Of The Dying Orchid

Enigmatic Heart

The Ghost Is Dancing

Winter Took His Life

Flowers Of Romance

Pieces Of A Dream

Grave For The Fireflies

After seven years, they recently changed their name to Vultures United. They described the news as, "It's like having a new baby last minute, but it being born retarded BUT ULTIMATELY, it having special powers."

Orb Of Confusion

Formerly known as Wailin' Genocide.

Drugs

Three Weed Salad

Count Dracula's Weed Smuggling Jam Engine

Hey ladies

Sistas In The Pit

Joan As Police Woman

"BEAUTY IS THE NEW PUNK ROCK," announces her site.

She Is So Beautiful/She Is So Blonde

One reviewer described them as "the least fun music possible." Ouch.

Speak Her Language

God-Des And She

This Lesbian rap act has a song called "Lick It" which begins, "Good evening class, I would like to welcome you to Pussy-Eating 101."

Death

Dead By Choice

Strangers Die Every Day

The Dead Kenny Gs

Killgasm

First line of their bio: "Started in 2002 to try and end Christianity. Instead we spent the years just drinking, doing drugs, and fucking a lot of whores. All while trying to rip off Carcass and Darkthrone."

As Your Attorney

Coach Said Not To

Life After Laserdisque

Food Will Win The War

Haunting Oboe Music

Skull Sküll

Weekend Nachos

Or, The Whale

Vices I Admire

Shapes Have Fangs

Doofgoblin

Jews And Mexicans

"Available for Bar Mitzvahs and Quinceaneras!"

Prognosis: Killing It

AKA Wizard Beard

Batman Vs. Predator

Til We're Blue Or Destroy

Shot For The Stars…And Kill Them

Bi Furious

Human Being Lawnmower

Crochet'd Machete

DD/MM/YYYY

Does It Offend You, Yeah

To Live And Shave In L.A.

Goat Motor

Happy Butterfly Foot

Algebro

Car Full Of Midgets

Shitdisco

Boneless Children Foundation

Bear's Acoustic Honey

White Pee

Jewsus

Album: Boners And Loners

Amusing Show Line-Ups from This Year:

Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire + Eviscerated Soul, Zombie Hate Brigade, Deadspeak, Whore Grinder: Bender's Tavern, 9pm

Unicorn Basement + Gay Witch Abortion, Babyguts, Bri Entering The Bratmosphere: Triple Rock Social Club, 9pm, free

Pink Reason + Psychedelic Horseshit, Expensive Shit: Beerland, 10pm

Little Bitches + Johnny Butt And The Bad Fish: Rockit Room, 9pm