Moses vs Santa Claus lyrics

Santa Claus:

Sweet robes, Obi, Wan-too-many days in the sun?

Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun!

I bring joy every year. Man, I represent cheer!

You represent sandals and a scraggly beard!

I'm from the North Pole! That's why my rhymes are so cold!

I spit diamonds, but I'm serving up some fresh coal!

You been a naughty boy. You brought a plague of frogs.

You best arrest yourself, you broke your own law!

Or was there something in rule six I didn't understand?

My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand."

I read your book. You got a strict religion.

No bacon? But mandatory circumcision?

I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents.

But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!

Moses:

When I was high upon the mountain, God revealed the truths of the Earth.

But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf.

It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass.

You took the Christ outta Christmas and just added more mass.

You need to stop breakin' into houses and creepin' and peepin'

On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my stocking.

Don't you Ho-Ho me.

I'll split your ass in half like I did the Red Sea.

You ain't a saint, you a slaver, like a pharaoh in the snow.

Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go.

Santa Claus and the elves:

We ain't slaves! All that sand turned your brain to mush!

I think you need to stop smoking all that burning bush.

Yeah, we're magical workers, man! We hang with reindeers.

Yo, here's a GPS! Who gets lost for 40 years?

You're a glorified secretary, so write this down!

Begat deez nutz! Santa Claus is coming to town!

Moses:

So much drama in the Israe-L B.C.

It's kinda hard talking directly to the G O single D.

Hand me my chisel, I got a new commandizzle for y'all.

Thou shalt not let children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall.

I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy,

And walk off into the land of my milk and honeys.

• Artist:Epic Rap Battles of History
• Album:Season 2 (2012)