John Wick vs John Rambo vs John McClane lyrics

[Rambo]

All right, I guess I'll be the one to draw First Blood.

[Wick]

Or maybe you could draw an audience to see any of your new movies.

[McClane]

Come out to the coast; we'll have a few laughs. Sounds sweet!

But no, I'm stuck here with these two jerkweeds

'bout to kick their ass with bare feet! Argyle, drop the beat!

I'll set it off like the top of Nakatomi

Need a fire hose to swing on you, you're both so below me

I haven't stopped killing it since Karl's brother, Tony

And I got your detonators right here, blow me!

Ship your booby traps home, Rambo

'cause you'll never take the W without the P and O!

Does your lip hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?

Can you string that shit up on your compound bow?

And lighten up, Wick, with your brooding saga

How about a little hakuna matata, Baba Yaga?

You got the trousers tapered and the watch, Bucherer

But your acting falls flatter than the Hans Gruber!

Leave the underground coin game to Mario Brothers

And John, Bubbe, what the fuck's with the chest butter?

That bandolier looks heavy as shit

I'm like this prick's ring finger: only need one clip

C'mon! I been sharp as shattered glass since the late '80s

And like your late pup, I'll leave you pushing up daisies

Less is more, boys, that's my advice

You, less survival knife; you, more survival wife!

[Wick]

...Ooh. I'm gonna need a dinner reservation for two

John Wick, I'm efficient and lean

A proficient, professional killing machine

Underworld overachiever looking dapper as I'm bucking

Only one of us to go three chapters without sucking

Between your elevator and the mine where you were trapped

You're such weiners, I should call you both John Shaft

I craft rhymes with pencils, then jam 'em in necks

So I'm not vexed by vets flexing 'roid-injected pecs

Being excommunicado wasn't more than I could handle

So I think I can withstand an excemental ex-commando

And this sad, broken dad-joking popo is no foe

For the hurt-you-oh-so-bad virtuoso

Ho ho ho to quivers and bows. I'm delivering blows

And when they land, it won't help to make fists with your toes

Bitcoin? No. Hitcoin? Certainly.

I'll put you two in tombs, call it cryptocurrency

Obey your superior like good cops and soldiers

Raven, Roy, you're done. Over.

[Rambo]

Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off!

Unless it's one of your movies. In which case…I just turn it off!

When I rip off my shirt and start swinging my stick swords

I'm hotter than the suicide girls on your switchboards

My headband's red, but I've got no love for commies

And no juice was used to produce these armies

Your High Table rules don't apply to this conflict

I'll finish you right in the lobby! Mission accomplished!

McClane! South is where your marriage went

The last tight thing you slid in was an air vent

They used to say you were a handsome crusader

Too bad your hairline couldn't be saved by Steve Urkel's neighbor

I slip into the jungle, disappear like a ghost

Then ding! I pop up hot behind ya like toast!

I seek peace, but I'm packing parabellum

I was trained to be the very best soldier boy!

(Tell 'em!)

I'll blast an RPG through NYPD's guts

Simon Says you can PTSDeez nuts!

[McClane]

Jesus Christ, asshole! Whattaya doing?

This is not some Saturday morning cartoon for you to ruin!

[Rambo]

The only thing getting ruined is McClane family Christmas!

All your kids still have "decent dad" on their wishlist!

[McClane]

Woah! Rambo's droppin' bombs in his flows!

Did your pals in the Taliban help you write those?

[Wick]

Those were mujahideen, there's a difference

The Taliban formed in the '90s, when you fell off with a vengeance.

[McClane]

Hey! Who the fuck asked you, dog pound?

Why don't you go lock your mouth in a hole in the ground?

[Rambo]

Hole! Lock! Argh!

[Wick]

You're both a funeral suit away from presentable

I'm thinking I'm back, and I'm thinking you're expendable!

[McClane]

You wanna Die Hard? Well, today's a good day!

Let's go, motherfuckers! Yippee-ki-yay!

• Artist:Epic Rap Battles of History
• Album:Season 7