Panting at the threshold of your worst imaginings: The year in band names, 2016

As The A.V. Club has done every year since 2006, we present a bewilderingly thorough list of funny, bad, funny-bad, or otherwise notable band names we encountered over the past year. As usual, it’s a glorious patchwork of genres and intentions, from deadly serious metal bands plumbing medical dictionaries for inspiration to anonymous local groups just trying to entertain themselves. Some bands are clearly trying very, very hard to make it in some way, and others don’t seem terribly concerned.

As usual, our standard caveat precedes the list: These aren’t bands that necessarily formed in the past year, or even the past couple years. These are simply groups whose names we encountered for the first time this year (or at least don’t remember seeing and haven’t put on any list).

Stay tuned next week for a 10th-anniversary special edition of the Year In Band Names, looking back at the best of all that we’ve seen. Whither Here Comes Old Vodka Tits

Pop culture references

Texas Chainstore Manager

Angels In America

Sweet Deals On Surgery

Presumably a Burning Airlines reference. Band interests: “Sucking on a fanny pack waiting for our tastebuds to grow back,” which is not a reference to anything on Mission: Control! (Let’s listen to “Pacific 231” anyway.)

Be’lakor

This Australian death-metal band takes its name from Be’lakor The Dark Master, a.k.a. Be’lakor The Daemon Prince, from Warhammer Fantasy. According to the Warhammer 40,000 wiki: “The Most and greatest of all Daemon Princes, Be’lakor has ruled as a demigod over galactic empires beyond count. He is a being of infinite cunning and absolute cruelty who destroys all that he touches, and jealously covets the favour of the Ruinous Powers.” It’s hard to say how many of its muse’s characteristics the band shares, unless humorlessness is one of them.

Death To Slater

“NYC’s premiere Saved by the Bell hardcore punk band” writes songs inspired by the beloved teen show, such as “Drunk Driving Lisa’s Mom’s Car,” “Girls Of Bayside High (Model Students),” and most recently, “Caffeine Pill Freakout”: “jessie spano takes the pills the pills to stay awake / jessie spano takes the pills / the pills that make her shake / jessie spano takes the pills / it is a mistake / jessie spano takes the pills / and then she freaks out!”

Six Brew Bantha

“HATEFUL GRINDCORE MADE BY BEST FRIENDS,” touts the band’s Facebook page, because nothing brings friends together like banging out songs with titles like “Excesscrement” or “North Fucking Korea,” which carries an earnest message: “Unless we step up and stop this spreading totalitarianism we really might as well be fucking dead.”

Milan To Minsk

Someone In A Tree

Looks like we got some Sondheim fans in the house.

Necromancing The Stone

These guys sure talk a big game considering they’re inspired by pair of ’80s action-comedies starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner: “Any time the fingers of the six-stringers are unleashed, the hearts of weaker guitarists are broken, uniformly delivering master classes in the art of shredding,” crows the press release for this year’s Jewel Of The Vile. It also mentions the band’s nemesis, “Breakdownicus Gratuitous,” a joke that probably lands with a thud even among metal nerds.

Funcrusher

Hmm, they don’t seem to be inspired by Company Flow, but who knows

Fuck You Pay Me

From the song “Fuck You Pay Me”: “five foot six of pissed-the-fuck-off, don’t start no shit tonight / i’m not too smart when i think about and i ain’t afraid to fight / short guy complex every day of my life so just gimme an excuse / you fucking rightwing son of a bitch, you might just lose a tooth.”

All The Real Girls

Courage, Dear Heart

If this Georgia punk band ever needs merch ideas, Pinterest has a ton of stuff from people also inspired by C.S. Lewis. (It also shows that lots of them have that as a tattoo.)

A-A-Ron

Maybe they’re Key And Peele fans

Houston In The Blind

Presumably it’s a reference to a line in Gravity.

Celebration Guns

Yeah, these guys are definitely Stars fans.

There Are Four Lights

Genre: “Queer-woman-fronted political punk from Brooklyn, NY. We mostly sing about things that make us angry and a few things we like (such as butts and Star Trek).” Hence the band name.

Popes Of Chillitown

Proper names

Niles Crane

The Molly Ringwalds

“The Molly Ringwalds create an 80’s Experience by honing their abilities to apply make-up and tease their hair while showcasing all the musical genres of the decade.” Please note: While The Molly Ringwalds are proudly sponsored by Melinda’s Passionately Crafted Pepper Sauces, their free-bottle promotion is subject to the approval of the music venue.

Lizzie Boredom

“So… You’re A Mixologist” is one of the best song titles of this year’s edition of the Year In Band Names. (The first part of the title, “CrunkPunk,” less so.)

Peter Pants

Kenny Gee

You can’t expect an 18-year-old rapper to know he shares a name with one of the biggest musical punchlines of the past 25 years. That said, a collaboration would be rad.

Flint Eastwood

Clit Eastwood

Songs from the Austin band’s 2013 self-titled album: “4AM Whitecastle Lovemaking,” “Abortion Smoothie,” “Robocop Hit My Pregnant Girlfriend,” “Nightvision Poopwiper.”

Jackbenny

Not to be confused with Jumpin Jack Benny (“2cnd runner up 2011 Battle Of The Blues Harps and 2cnd runner up 2008 for The International Blues Challenge sponsored by The Southern California Blues Society”), this L.A. group is actually composed of twins Jack and Benny Lipson. Judging by their age, they’ve probably never heard of the iconic television host.

The Judy Blooms

Grace Kelly All Day

Band interests: weather, yoga pants

Ellen And The Degenerates

“We made it / full frontal / Darth Vader / marijuana”

The Cornel West Theory

Carl Sagan’s Skate Shoes

The Robert Kennedy Assassination

Fro-Yo Ma

Freddie Nunez

Bio: “Artist, song writer [sic], multi instrumentalist Freddie Nunez leads a rich inner life.” His outer life is apparently utter shit.

The ’94 Knicks

The Dashing Blumpkins

This Smashing Pumpkins tribute band even has its own bald Billy Corgan impersonator.

Brands

Ferrari Truck

Radio Shaq

DJ Paypal

Still doing this, huh

LNDN DRGS

Anml Plnet

Skaciety

Exclamations!!!

Jungles!!!

Walrus Attack!

This Chicago metal group is composed of three boys, all 15 or under. They list their interests as “Slayer, Metal, and Slayer.”

Say “No!” To Architecture

Direct Hit!

Dead!

Hey!Rabbit

Bio: “We are from Illinois and we play quiet music so we don’t disturb the neighbors.”

L!sted

Sex

Mid Coitus

Sex Stains

Alien Sex Tape

The Fem Doms

Sexual Jeremy

Lyrics to “I’m Not Your Fucking Bro (Aqualung)”: “I’m not your fucking bro / Oooh / *Captain Falcon grunt* / Take your frosty ’tude back home / I don’t know anymore / :’(”

Ninja Sex Party

Stronger Sex

Cumstain

Facebook URL: facebook.com/uhohcumstain. Songs: “The Challenger Disaster (A Love Story,” “Dahmer Blues (Gimme Head),” “Criminally Horney [sic].”

Lady parts

Vulva Essers

King Pussyface

Lady Bits

Lyric excerpt from “Cuntfidence”: “I need a guy with a plan who likes to eat clam at an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

Big Tits

Bio in SXSW guide: “Best band ever. I swear it on my life.” —David Bowie

PVSSYHEAVEN

Pussywolf

About: Ass, Tits & Riffs.

Vermin Womb

Body parts

Swollen Organs

Rearranged Face

Church Booty

Fuck, shit, etc.

Serious Shit

Not to be confused with Some Serious Shit. You probably remember this Ft. Worth band from their split cassette with Fuckheads.

Dumb Fucks

Dumb Fucks hail from Los Angeles; The Dumb Fucks are from Sweden. Both are apparently too dumb to Google.

Nice As Fuck

Sick Shit

Band interests: “veganism, non-veganism.”

Scatological

Dirty Piss Worldwide

Junkie Vomit

About: “On a mission to get the kids young and old strung out on some bad, bad shit.”

Ladies

Glam Skanks

Girl Tears

Reformed Whores

She Said Yes

Not to be confused with She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom Of Cassie Bernall, a book by Misty Bernall about her daughter, who died in Columbine. The story goes that one of the gunmen asked Cassie if she believed in God, and when Cassie said yes, she was shot at point-blank range. It wasn’t true, but devout Christians seized on the story, and hey, hey aren’t these band names hilarious

Goth Babe

Gentlemen

Friendly Males

“Friendly Males is a band chock full of nice people on Lolipop Records. Do you like to groove and shake Do you like lo mein You may like this.”

Bae Bro

Cold Bearded Killers

Dude Same

This Chicago duo specializes in long song titles: “Jean​-​Baptiste​-​Édouard Gélineau, Discovered Narcolepsy,” “The Strangely Gorgeous Model Homes Of Yucca Flats; Nevada, 1955,” “Dude Same On Swiss Typography,” etc.

Playboy Manbaby

Biography: “Raising awareness for Milk and other Dairy related issues.” General manager: “Capt. Crunch (NO RELATION TO CEREAL).”

The Boys Of Brazilian Girls

First person

I, Us, & We

Bio excerpt: “Floating above a sparse and alien landscape the observer can only do that which they are intended to do. Observe. We see a panoramic photo of a beautifully sparse glacial scene. All sense of time and space would be lost in the eternal white if not for the soft streaks of grey that subtly allude to a physical presence, and imply the existence of metaphysical musings.” If you’re thinking, “This sounds like the kind of band that would take a group photo with a bunch of body paint and shit,” you’re quite perceptive:

Together We Are Robots

If I Ruled The World

“Like the Nas song” you ask. Please refer to the “about” section of IIRTW’s Facebook page: “Sorry to disappoint if you’re looking for the hit hip hop single ‘If I Ruled The World.’ We’re actually just a band of five non-Norwegians based out of Oslo!”

Dead When I Found Her

My Expansive Awareness

My Empty Phantom

While My Empty Phantom earned praise from places like the Dallas Observer and Washington Post Express, it leads with this on its Facebook page:

East Of My Youth

With Our Arms To The Sun

What is it about metal bands and endorsements WOATTS has a page on its site to tout its affiliation with a guitar-pick company, another that makes plug-ins for recording software, and another that makes pickups for guitars. Presumably a sponsorship from a manufacturer of tuning pegs is right around the corner.

Second person

Lest You Howl

Talk To You Never

Summa Cum Laude, Pete Wentz School Of Song Titles: “Don’t Call Me Casper (Because This Ghost Is Fucking Lonely),” “You Know What They Say About Women And Trolley Cars (There’s Plenty Of ’Em In The Sea),” “I’ll See You In The Sequel, Bitch.”

Theological concerns

Jesus And His Judgemental Father

About: “Sounds like the 10 Things I Hate About You soundtrack, except way more queer.”

Big Jesus

Winner, Bio That Overstates Things A Bit: “Fascinating things can happen when a hard alternative rock band explores its dreamy side.”

God’s Wisdom

Bio: “grandma was insane…..” godswisdom666.bandcamp.com should not be confused with the Facebook page for “God’s wisdom Musical Band,” which dispenses inspiration like this:

One Prayer One Sin

Catholic Easter Colors

Heaven For Real

Not to be confused with the 2014 faith-based film Heaven Is For Real, though if hardcore Christians still pay for music, this Canadian band won’t complain.

Hymn For Her

Cults

Pisskvlt

Sex And Death Cult

The People’s Temple Project

Death

Die Choking

Song: “Shake My Hand, Bow Down, & Die”

Deadfella

Death Boner

A Bunch Of Dead People

Death Savings Flag

Trying too hard

Cadaveric Spasm

Whorid

“Trying too hard” understates this Philadelphia one-man band’s commitment: 1) He goes by the name Daniel Suffering. 2) He describes Whorid’s music as “self-harm electronics.” 3) This year’s Bloated Pig Carcass In A Shallow Wake was released on Valentine’s Day. (Says the press release: “unrelenting in its darkness, seething with unbridled contempt, and stands panting at the threshold of your worst imaginings, with nine tracks totaling just under one hour of auditory torment.”) 4) Song titles include “The Death Sentence Of Abandonment,” “I Never Loved You; I Suffered You,” “Incessant Decay,” and “Harbinger Of False Promises.”

Product Of Hate

1000 Drops Of Venom

Perpetual Defilement

“Dude, we all agreed to wear black T-shirts for the band photo!”

“Sorry, bro, gotta support the Hawks.”

Deny The Cross

This year’s Alpha Ghoul includes songs like “Blast Pound Strafe Stab Kill,” “To Curse Eternal Winter,” and “Bacteria Tribute.”

Coffin Dust

Track list for this year’s Everything Is Dead:

1. Serrated

2. Gore Ensemble

3. Commander Exhumer

4. Stiff And Cold

5. The Living Coffin

6. Metal Storm/Face The Slayer

7. Everything Is Dead

Genocide Skin

Gnaw Their Tongues

Track list for the new Hymns For The Broken, Swollen And Silent:

1. Hold High The Banners Of Truth Among The Swollen Dead

2. The Speared Promises

3. Frail As The Stalking Lions

4. Your Kingdom Shrouded In Blood

5. Silent Burned Atrocities

6. Hymn For The Broken, Swollen And Silent

7. I Have Clad The Pillar In The Flayed Skins

8. Our Mouths Ridden With Worms

The Ominous Circle

Maybe the name sounds more unsettling in the band’s native Portuguese

Destroying The Devoid

Personal interests: “I am available for guitar lessons via Skype.”

Long

Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard

Lords Of The Drunken Pirate Crew

The Bishop’s Daredevil Stunt Club

It’s the height of optimism when each band member has their own bio, particularly local bands. People with time on their hands can learn the influences of each of The Bishop’s five members and read some natural-sounding quotes, like when frontman Billy G describes his bandmates as “a fantastic group of musicians with boundless passion and enthusiasm for the creative process and performance of rock music.”

The Harpoonist & The Axe Murderer

A Big Yes And A Small No

Band interests: “Getting a record deal would be a real treat.”

Problems That Fix Themselves

Hurrah A Bolt Of Light

Numbers, for whatever reason

79.5

6’10

See, it’s a play on words

Fondude

Dude York

Pet Symmetry

Squid Pro Quo

The NYChillharmonic

Sadwich

Mumblr

Diet Choke

Saylavees

Disposable Thumbs

Ssighborggg

Altered Boys

Statements

Everyone Is Dirty

Few bands can boast about “exotic electric-violin antics” in their bio, so count EID among the elite.

Karma Wears White Ties

Alice Drinks The Kool-Aid

The band features the founder of the Lagunitas Brewing Company, so the group’s album cover naturally features a woman (who may or may not be named Alice) drinking beer. What a misnomer.

Dub Is A Weapon

Escape Is Not Freedom

Our Band Sucks

Winner, Wayne Campbell Award For Truth In Monikers

Clouds Taste Satanic

Directives

Stay Cool Forever

Hurt Everybody

Warn The Duke

Get Up With The Get Downs

Pulverize The Sound

Hunt For The Breeze

Questions

Waar Is Ken

It’s Dutch for “Where is Ken” See, band names can be boring in other languages, too!

Who Can Sleep

“Salt And Honey” was No. 232 of Indie Hometown’s 420 best indie songs for the month of September!

Onomatopoeia

Pkew Pkew Pkew

Bio: “PKEW PKEW PKEW are the Lance Armstrongs of music. We Dope.” Songs from this year’s self-titled album: “Mid-20s Skateboarder” (“Mid-20s skateboarder / I hope I don’t get hurt”), “Asshole Pandemic” (“Asshole pandemic / Why’s this dick have to be such a cock”), “Prequel To Asshole Pandemic,” “Stop Calling Us Chief.”

Family

Meth Dad

Trophy Dad

Its 2015 EP was called Shirtless Algebra Fridays and featured a song called “You Never Responded And I Made Up Wild Stories In My Head That Turned Out To Be True.”

Grandpa Vs. Prowler

Soccer Mommy

Let’s Eat Grandma

Friendship

Friend Roulette

Good Friends Great Enemies

Songs from 2013’s Random Happenings: “The Soft Light (Or, The Influence Of Middle Eastern Culture On American Romance),” “Meditations On Stagnant Interpersonal Relations.” Who would’ve expected them to call their new album Cautiously Poptimistic

Good Looking Friends

Animals

The Owls Seem What They Are Not

The final three songs from this year’s Whirl Around The Whirr Rider Riding A Whale Down A Waterfall: “By The End Of The Conversation She Wasn’t French - What Am I To Do” “By The End Of The Conversation She Wasn’t French - I Don’t Know What To Do,” “By The End Of The Conversation She Wasn’t French - Do Am I What” They are 12 and a half, 18 and a half, and six and a half minutes long, respectively.

Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs

Song: “The Wizard And The Seven Swines.” It clocks in just a hair under 22 minutes, or roughly three minutes per pig.

Cokegoat

Bio: “Since our 2013 debut LP Vessel, countless group texts have helped COKEGOAT achieve growing friendships, razor sharp focus, mental stability, financial instability and a more advanced writing process.”

Naked Walrus

Jewish Monkeys

The Hacky Turtles

Their bio describes them as “notorious tamers of the tapping toe”—so their music discourages movement They are looking for corporate gigs, so maybe companies prefer entertainment that keeps people motionless in their chairs.

T-Rextasy

Jealous Of The Birds

About: “My only hope is that the songs sound like a real friend talking.” Like a real friend saying “I Made You A Daisy Chain.” (Not to be confused with the 2011 documentary Jealous Of The Birds, about Jews who stayed in Germany after World War II. Maybe because of friends)

Watch For Horses

Man Eating Tiger

Only a hyphen separates a jungle cat that preys on humans from a dude who likes to eat tiger. This “non-traditional five piece” doesn’t elaborate on which it is—or exactly what makes its hard rock “non-traditional.”

Tigers Are Bad For Horses

Dogs In Ecstasy

Manatee Commune

Active Bird Community

Rats In The Louvre

Swanky Tiger

Mail The Horse

Food

Strawberry Jacuzzi

L.A. Salami

While the name conjures images of sustainably sourced, nitrate-free, artisanal meats, it’s actually short for Lookman Adekunle Salami, a Londoner who’s heard all of your dumb jokes before.

Cheek Meat

Jobs

Astronaut Samurais

Story: “4 dudes who care too much but dont care reallly”

Coach N’ Commando

Creative Adult

Hard Working Americans

Mimes Of Wine

Colors

Very White

Bio: “Living in NYC ain’t cheap and if you’re in your twenties, you have housemates. And if your housemate plays music you’re going to hear it. And if you too play music, you might just start a band and jokingly come up with a name a lot of people misunderstand as being racist but not care enough about the people void of humor and just let it roll.”

Totally Orange Time Machine

“Say, you know what’d be great accompaniment to your slap bass A kazoo. Oh, looks like you figured that out already.”

Black Shape Of Nexus

Also goes by B•SON, so cross-list with Animals.

Next door

Sexy Neighbors

Shitty Neighbors

Tracks from 2014’s Better Now: “I Swear I Will Never Listen To Another Johnny Cash Song Again,” “Rob Goes To Denny’s,” “Even Marc Summers Sings The Blues,” “The Things I Like, I Keep Around.”

Calm down

Nervous Dater

About: “we were wondering if you wanted to listen to our songs I mean you don’t have to… but..plz rspnd.” Bio: “The band equivalent of a cleaning product commercial when the grime gets wiped away to reveal pristine tile but we’re the dirty sponge and probably drunk.” Double points for the song title “Abba Zabba, You My Only Friend.”

Nervous Passenger

Such & Such And The So & So’s

PMS And The Mood Swings

Pookie & The Poodlez

Crazy And The Brains

No One & The Somebodies

Selected tracks from 2012’s Numbers: “Invest In Plastic Handcuffs,” “Steve Jobs’ Khaki Pants,” “Bill Gates’ Dickless Angels.”

Fatty Cake And The Puff Pastries

About: “Fatty Cakes and the Puff Pastries is an all grrrl gang band that promotes positive mental health and being yrself at the buffet~* ♥ Let’s party, children.”

No

Irawniq

Preferred casing: iRAWniQ.

Brothers Of The Sonic Cloth

Indica Moonbeing

Also currently available at your local dispensery. Strong body high.

Spare Parts For Broken Hearts

Winner, Most Icons On Website:

Soul Inscribed

Name The Band

The People The Poet

Fatal Jamz

Whaja Dew

Ubiquitous Love Tribe

Clothing and fabric

Watergate Sandals

Cloak Of Altering

Another band from Mories (of Gnaw Their Tongues), though the song titles here aren’t so ostentatiously metal. Well, okay, the closer is called “Parasitic Altering Sickness,” but the second track is called “-3.003486962(6)+—10-66.” Google the latter, and the results are a bunch of dementia reports seemingly unrelated to the song. But still pretty metal.

Seasonal Men’s Wear

About: “A group of men discovering when too much coffee is truly too much coffee.”

Girl Pants

Two bands vie for this name, neither of them with any ladies: one from Kansas City and one from Charlotte, N.C.

Me In Capris

Bad Bad Hats

Denim Skull

Did you know the government uses parabens to control your mind Learn more with “Paraben Paranoia.”

Old technology

Fax Machine America

Cassettes On Tape

Frequently misspelled, we’re guessing

Endometrium CxPx

Giuseppe Santa Sauce

Sonoran Rebel Black Magick

Death before disco

Disco Shrine

Diskopunk

Of what

Of Feather And Bone

“Of Feather And Bone” sounds like it could be a jam band name, but while this group is from Colorado, it has an album called Adorned In Decay and songs with titles like “Pious Abnormality.”

Of Clocks And Clouds

Misc.

Gulag A Go-Go

Hair Perfect

Not to be confused with Perfect Hair or Perfect Hair Forever.

Timmy’s Organism

Brat Curse

The Grasping Straws

The Gooch Palms

Nuclear Hatred

Awesome album cover:

Concrete Mascara

Ghost Bath

Bio: “Ghost Bath refers to the act of committing suicide by submerging in a body of water.” Helpful!

Mental Coma

Waterfall Strainer

Fire From The Gods

Mutilated Veterans

Track list for 2014’s Necro Crust Warhead: “March Of The Mutilated/War Funeral,” “Blood Militia,” “A Tank Full Of Corpses,” “Triumph Of Torture,” “Carnage Warfare.” Hmm, starting to sense a theme.

Invoking The Abstract

Bio: “Formed in January of 2010, Invoking the Abstract is just four dudes who love to shred.” Aural Kaleidoscopes may be the worst album title of any band featured on this year’s list, and that includes Bloated Pig Carcass In A Shallow Wake.

The War On Peace

Deep, bros.

Drunken Foreigner Band

Bong Wish

Blood For The Sea

Music Band

Bio: “I’ll tell you what Music Band isn’t. Music Band is not a group of sour-faced millenial cry-babies wearing fedoras and Beatle boots, trudging through their live performances, looking like they can’t wait to get off stage and hit their vape pens.” It goes on like that for a while.

Video Filth

Brimstone Coven

Big John Williams (also of Necromancing The Stone) makes his second appearance on this year’s list. How do you and Mories find the time

CVS At Night

Muuy Biien

Museum Of Recycling

*Repeat Repeat