The Perfect Woman lyrics

So, I've done a lot of comedy, so let's, uh...

Take a little break from that, and this is um...

This is just a song that's...

If you'll just indulge me, it's...

Yeah

She was the perfect woman

In every single way

She made the sun shine brighter

And all my cares go away

She was the perfect woman

She was a gourmet chef

They say that love is blind

Well it's also deaf

'Cause Helen Keller was the perfect woman

And no one understands

Just how talented she was with her hands, ugh

Well God made her the perfect woman

I was the finishing touch

She was the perfect woman 'cause she didn't talk so much

She wanted to name the kids

So I finally let her

It turned out horribly

Chewbacca could've done better, *imitates Chewbacca*

But I guess it was alright

We had a boy and a girl

Just me and Helen, ehhh-haaa, and Earl

'Cause Helen Keller was my miracle worker

I was her one-man show

I could walk around the house naked

She wouldn't even know

Because Helen Keller was my perfect woman

I was her only need

Well, she didn't mind the zits on my ass

It gave her more to read

It gave her more to read, it gave her more to read

It gave her more to read, it gave her more to read

More to read, it gave her more to read, more to read

More to-

Helen Keller was my perfect woman

But I don't think she cared

I played this song for her

She just sat there and stared

Well she was still my perfect woman

I was sort of a mess

I asked her to marry me, she said, "UH-EE-OHHH"

So yeah, I did just graduate high school

Seniors '08!

And, um...

Yeah, I actually wrestled in high school

I was only in one match and I lost... my virginity, um

Yeah my high school girlfriend actually, she recently told me that I kiss like a stroke victim, which is weird that she has that, like, frame of reference, y'know?

But, y'know, I stopped and I thought, what would Jesus do? Um

So I, uh, didn't exist

No, I'm just kidding

I took her out to dinner, just ordered the bread and then told her to eat me

This next song... what the fuck am I doing?

• Artist:Bo Burnham