The Simple Plot Of Final Fantasy 7 lyrics

[Danny Sexbang:]

Hello, and welcome to "Talking Video Games."

Today's subject is "Games with Simple Plots."

I'd like to welcome our guests.

Would each of you please say who you are, and give a brief summary of the plot of your game?

[Pac-Man (Egoraptor):]

YES HELLO MY NAME IS PAC-MAN AND I EAT DOTS AND FRUIT

[DK (Danny):]

My name is Donkey Kong, I throw barrels at a guy.

[Cloud (Ego):]

Hi, I'm Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII. My game's plot is pretty simple. It goes like this...

[music]

[Cloud:]

I was a mercenary working for the AVALANCHE gang

Awesome eco-terrorists who you'd probably wanna bang

I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid

And got shot into a slum, where I could have gotten "squaids."

That's squirrel AIDS, for anyone who's wondering at home

Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone

Her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard

She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard

[Danny:]

Okay Cloud, this is getting complex

So I'm gonna move on to one of our other guests --

[Cloud:]

I knew that Aerith was a Cetra

[Danny:]

...excuse me, I was singing--

[Cloud:]

She could lead us to a Promised Land where energy was springing

I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained (Um --)

There I met Red XIII, a talking lion with a mane (Cloud --)

The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth

A super-evil JENOVA-style monster clone jerkoff (Hey!--)

We learned about JENOVA, got our things and then departed

[Danny:]

Wait, I'm totally confused--

[Cloud:]

I haven't even gotten started

We met Cait Sith, as well as Vincent, Cid, and Yuffie

We had gotten very tired, and my balls were kinda poofy

So Aerith let us rest, her tired ass continued on

Until Sephiroth killed her, and then she turned into a swan (What?!--)

WAIT! That didn't happen. Sorry, let me get rebooted

This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted

An earthquake happened, then it started snowing like December

Then some other shit went down that I don't seem to remember

[Danny:]

You're using up the whole show, Cloud, please take a rest

So let's hear from one of our many other fine guests

Q*bert, what's your game about?

[Q*bert (Ego):]

I jump on blocks!

[Danny:]

And you, Asteroids ship?

[Asteroids ship (Ego):]

I blow up rocks.

[Cloud:]

Back to my story, Sephiroth was casting spells

To make a giant Meteor, and blow Gaia to hell

[Glass Joe (Danny):]

Wait, that doesn't make sense, how on earth would you know...?

[Cloud:]

Shut your stupid French mouth

No-one asked you, Glass Joe! GOD!

[Danny:]

I'm so sorry

I'm gonna cut your story short

Your plot is way too friggin' crazy, and we've got

One more guest we need to meet

And here he is now!

[Frogger (Danny):]

Hi, my name is Frogger, and I try to cross the street!

[Cloud:]

Fuck you, Frogger!

I killed Hojo and I went to the planet's core

Sit down, Ninja Gaiden! I'm not done, you stupid whore!

We defeated Sephiroth, who was now in god-like form

And we cast a Holy spell to stop the asteroid storm

The Lifestream stopped the Meteor, the whole planet was saved

[Dig Dug (Danny):]

After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave

[Cloud:]

You got somethin' to say, Dig Dug?! You wanna fucking go --

wait why's this hose in my ass OH JESUS GOD NO!!! --

[explosion]

• Artist:Starbomb
• Album:Starbomb